Understanding the Different Types of Empathy (including dark empathy): A Key to Better Human Connection
- Persefone Coaching
- May 23
- 6 min read
Empathy is often described simply as the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, but in truth, it’s a multifaceted psychological skill. Understanding the nuances of empathy can improve our relationships, deepen our emotional intelligence, and help us navigate both personal and professional life with greater skill. Psychologists generally break empathy down into three main types: cognitive, emotional (or affective), and compassionate empathy. Let’s take a look at what each entails and how they play out in real life.
1. Cognitive Empathy: Understanding Another’s Perspective
Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand how someone else is thinking. It’s about mentally grasping another person’s viewpoint without necessarily sharing their emotions. This type of empathy is especially useful in professional settings—think negotiators, therapists, or managers—where understanding motivations, beliefs, or intentions is key.
Example:
A colleague preparing for a negotiation anticipates how the other person will react emotionally to certain points. They use that insight to steer the conversation, knowing when to appear conciliatory and when to apply pressure—not to support the other person, but to get what they want.
Potential pitfall:
Cognitive empathy doesn’t require emotional involvement or kindness. It’s about accuracy in reading people. Whether that’s used to help, persuade, or manipulate depends entirely on intention.
2. Emotional (Affective) Empathy: Feeling What Others Feel
Emotional empathy involves physically or emotionally feeling what another person is experiencing. It’s often automatic and happens through emotional contagion, when someone’s joy lifts us or their sadness moves us to tears.
Example:
After a long day, your colleague says, “I’m feeling completely overwhelmed with all the deadlines.” You immediately sense their stress and tiredness, not just from their words, but from the tone in their voice. You reply gently, “That sounds really tough. If you want, I’m happy to help or just listen.” Your response shows you’re not only hearing their words but also feeling their emotions, offering real support.
Potential pitfall:
Too much emotional empathy can lead to empathic distress, where we become overwhelmed by another’s pain, making it hard to remain helpful or clear-headed.
3. Compassionate Empathy: The Drive to Help
Compassionate empathy, sometimes called empathic concern, goes a step further. It involves both understanding and feeling, but crucially, it also includes the motivation to act or help. This is the empathy that inspires supportive behaviour.
Example:
Seeing a team member struggling with burnout, you understand their stress (cognitive), feel concerned (emotional), and offer to help redistribute workload (compassionate).
Potential pitfall:
Even compassionate empathy requires boundaries. Without them, we can risk overextending ourselves or assuming responsibility for things that aren’t ours to fix.
Empathy vs. Sympathy: Why the Difference Matters
These terms are often used interchangeably, but they are not the same.
Empathy involves feeling with someone. It’s a shared emotional experience, or at least an attempt to understand and sit alongside them in it.
Sympathy is more about feeling for someone, acknowledging their suffering, but from a distance. It can come across as pitying or disconnected if not careful.
Example:
A colleague shares that they’re going through a divorce. A sympathetic response might be: “I’m so sorry to hear that. That must be really hard.” It shows concern, but keeps a certain distance.
By contrast, an empathetic response might be: “That sounds incredibly painful. If you ever need to talk, I’m here.” This version leans in emotionally, creating connection rather than simply acknowledging distress.
Theory of Mind: The Cognitive Foundation of Empathy
Theory of Mind (ToM) is the fundamental ability to recognise that other people have their own beliefs, desires, intentions, and perspectives, often different from our own. It’s about understanding that others see the world through their own mental framework, which may not match reality or our own viewpoint. This cognitive skill is essential for navigating social interactions with subtlety and respect, and it forms the backbone of cognitive empathy.
A classic way psychologists demonstrate Theory of Mind is through the Sally-Anne experiment. In this test, a child watches two characters: Sally places an object in one location and leaves the room. While Sally is gone, Anne moves the object to a new place. The child is then asked where Sally will look for the object when she returns. Success in this test means recognising that Sally holds a false belief, she doesn’t know the object has been moved. The child understands Sally’s perspective, separate from their own knowledge. This ability typically develops around age 4 or 5 and is a critical milestone in social cognition.
Why is this relevant to empathy? Theory of Mind allows us to mentally step into another’s shoes and anticipate their thoughts and reactions. For example, if a colleague gives curt responses in a meeting, Theory of Mind prompts us not to assume hostility or disinterest but to consider alternative explanations: perhaps they are distracted by personal issues or stress. It helps us avoid misunderstandings and respond with greater patience and insight.
However, it’s important to note that Theory of Mind doesn’t automatically mean emotional connection. You can intellectually understand someone’s perspective (cognitive empathy) without necessarily feeling moved by it (emotional empathy). It’s a mental process, an awareness of “what they might be thinking”, rather than a shared emotional experience.
When someone has a Theory of Mind deficit, social interactions can quickly become tangled with misunderstanding and frustration. It becomes hard to appreciate that others have their own thoughts, feelings, and perspectives distinct from one’s own. This can lead to misreading social cues, missing sarcasm or irony, or coming across as indifferent or self-centred because there’s no intuitive sense of what others might be thinking or feeling.
This trait that can be found in certain toxic personalities. People who lack genuine consideration for others’ viewpoints, such as some narcissistic or manipulative individuals, may effectively “switch off” their Theory of Mind when it doesn’t serve their interests. This absence contributes to behaviours that feel dismissive, exploitative, or emotionally damaging because they simply don’t or won’t recognise how their actions impact others.
When Empathy Turns Dark: The ‘Dark Empath’
Empathy is often viewed as an unequivocally positive trait, but in some cases, it can be used manipulatively. This brings us to the concept of the dark empath, someone who possesses cognitive and sometimes emotional empathy, but lacks genuine compassion. They understand how others feel, but use that insight for personal gain, control, or emotional manipulation.
In psychological terms, dark empathy sits at the intersection of empathy and what’s known as the Dark Triad traits: narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. A dark empath may:
Read people extremely well (cognitive empathy),
Mirror their emotions (emotional empathy),
But use this awareness to influence, undermine, or dominate (lacking compassionate empathy).
Example: A colleague who knows just how to make you feel guilty for saying “no,” or a manager who knows exactly when to give praise to keep you loyal, while still exploiting your efforts.
Why it matters: Understanding dark empathy helps us see that empathy, like any tool, can be misused. It’s a reminder to be aware not just of whether someone is empathetic, but how they use that empathy.
More on Emotional intelligence or Toxic traits:
Emotional Intelligence for Effective Management Udemy Couse for 9.99
Managing Toxic Work Relationships Udemy course for 9.99
🪞 Empathy Reflection Questions
🧠Cognitive Empathy: Understanding Others’ Perspectives
When was the last time I disagreed with someone? Did I try to understand their reasoning?
Can I recall a situation where I misjudged someone’s behaviour because I didn’t consider what might be going on for them?
Do I tend to assume others see the world as I do? What helps me step outside that assumption?
Do I use my ability to read people to get what I want?
💓 Emotional (Affective) Empathy: Feeling With Others
How do I usually respond when someone close to me is upset? Do I sit with their emotion, or do I try to “fix” it quickly?
Am I comfortable being around people who are emotional, or do I feel the need to withdraw or shut down?
Can I recognise the difference between feeling with someone and being overwhelmed by their feelings?
🤝 Compassionate Empathy: The Drive to Help
When I see someone struggling, what’s my first instinct: do I act, do I listen, or do I pull away?
Have I ever stepped in to help, only to later realise I was taking on too much responsibility?
How can I offer support while also protecting my own boundaries?
🧭 General Empathy and Self-Awareness
Do I find it easier to empathise with people who are similar to me? How do I respond to people I don’t relate to?
Are there certain emotions in others that make me uncomfortable or impatient? Why might that be?
Do I allow others to see my empathy, or do I hold back out of fear of vulnerability?
🕵️♂️ Theory of Mind in Practice
Can I think of a time I misunderstood someone’s behaviour because I didn’t consider their perspective?
How often do I check in with myself: “What might this person be thinking or feeling right now?”
What helps me pause before reacting, so I can take someone else’s context into account?
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