Did I Really Read That? How Our Minds Rewrite Reality. Avoiding Conflict in Written Communication

Have you ever read a message and felt a jolt of worry, only to reread it and realise it didn’t actually say what you thought?

I do this more often than I’d like to admit. Sometimes I misread a word entirely. Other times I add a tone or meaning that simply isn’t there. It’s like my brain rushes ahead, inventing or distorting the message before I’ve even finished reading.

And it’s not just about being tired or distracted, though those certainly don’t help. There’s something deeper going on, and I think it’s worth talking about.

How Our Minds Play Tricks on Us

From a psychological point of view, this isn’t unusual. Our brains are wired to be fast, not accurate. We use mental shortcuts 8what psychologists call heuristics) to make sense of things quickly. When we read, especially in a hurry or under stress, we don’t just see words; we make predictions.

Daniel Kahneman describes this as the difference between System 1 (fast, automatic thinking) and System 2 (slow, deliberate reasoning). Most of the time, we operate in System 1. We skim, we assume, we interpret. That interpretation isn’t neutral, it’s shaped by our mood, our past experiences, even our expectations of the person we’re reading.

If you’re anxious, for example, you might interpret a neutral email as cold or critical. If you’re anticipating bad news, your brain might jump to conclusions and read in negativity that isn’t actually there.

Communication and Cognitive Filters

In communication coaching, I often talk about “filters.” These are the unconscious lenses through which we process what we hear and read. They can include:

• Emotional state: Are you feeling defensive, rushed, sensitive, irritated?

• Cognitive bias: Are you assuming you already know what’s coming?

• Relationship history: Is this someone whose tone you’ve struggled with before?

These filters can cause us to respond to our own mental version of the message—not the actual one. The result? Misunderstandings, overreactions, unnecessary stress.

How I’ve Learned to Manage It

Once I realised how often I do this, I started building small habits to slow myself down:

• I reread important messages slowly.

• I read aloud if I feel emotionally triggered.

• I check in with myself: Am I reacting to the message, or to something else I’ve layered on top of it?

Why It Matters

This small mental glitch might seem trivial, but in a professional context (especially in hybrid or remote teams) it can have real consequences. Tone is easy to misinterpret. Intentions get lost. A simple sentence can feel loaded when read through the wrong lens.

And the worst part? We often don’t even realise we’ve misunderstood.

Here’s the good news: awareness makes a huge difference. When we notice the gap between what was said and what we think we read, we open the door to better, calmer, more conscious communication.

An Invitation to Reflect

If you’ve ever found yourself misreading a message, or reacting to one only to later realise it didn’t actually say what you thought, know that you’re not alone.

Next time it happens, try asking: What’s really written here? And what might I be bringing to the reading of it?

Sometimes, that pause can make all the difference.

Examples:

1. “Can you send me the report when you get a minute?”

• What it says: A polite, low-pressure request.

• What you may think it says: “You’re behind. I’ve been waiting. Why haven’t you done this yet?”

2. “Noted.”

• What it says: A neutral acknowledgment.

• What you may think it says: (especially from a manager): “I don’t like this, and I’m too annoyed to discuss it.”

3. “Let’s discuss this later.”

• What it says: We’ll revisit it in due course.

• What you may think it says: “I’ve overstepped. I’ve said too much.”

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💬 Have you ever caught yourself reacting to something you misread? I’d love to hear your experience, feel free to share in the comments or message me directly.

Self-Reflection Questions

Next time you catch yourself feeling uneasy after reading a message, pause for a moment and ask:

1. What did the message actually say?

(Not what I think it meant, but the literal words.)

2. Is my current emotional state colouring how I’m reading this?

(Am I tired, stressed, anxious, feeling behind?)

3. Do I have a history with this person that’s influencing how I hear them?

(Is this about them, or is it about previous patterns?)

4. If someone else received this message, would they read it the same way?

(Could another interpretation be more neutral—or even positive?)

5. Have I made any assumptions about tone or intent?

(Am I filling in silence or ambiguity with worry or story?)

6. Do I need to clarify, or can I let this go?

(Sometimes a quick check-in saves a spiral.)