Setting Boundaries Without Emotional Overload

State your truth.

Setting boundaries is crucial for maintaining our well-being, both personally and professionally. Yet, despite knowing their importance, many of us struggle with the emotions that arise when we set them. Whether it’s guilt, fear of disappointing others, anxiety, or confusion, these emotions can make boundary-setting feel daunting.

In reality, setting boundaries is a vital part of self-care. While it’s natural to feel a range of emotions in response to setting limits, these feelings can be managed and reframed. Let’s explore the different emotions that arise when we set boundaries and how we can navigate them with confidence, followed by practical strategies for setting boundaries that feel authentic and sustainable.

Common Emotions People Feel When Setting Boundaries

Guilt:

We often feel guilty because we believe we’re letting others down or being selfish by saying “no.” There’s a belief that we should always be available to help.

Fear of Disappointment:

We fear that others will be upset, disappointed, or even angry when we assert a boundary. We might worry that this will harm the relationship or cause tension.

Anxiety or Nervousness:

The act of setting a boundary can feel like we’re entering an uncertain situation. We might be anxious about how the other person will react or if we’ll be misunderstood.

Relief or Empowerment:

Once we set a boundary and honour it, we often experience a sense of relief or empowerment. It’s a sign that we are taking control of our time, energy, and emotional well-being.

Confusion:

Setting boundaries can sometimes be unclear, especially when we’re not accustomed to doing it regularly. We might feel confused about how to set limits without damaging the relationship.

How to Manage and Reframe These Emotions

Reframe Guilt:

Guilt often arises when we believe we are being selfish by setting boundaries. However, boundaries are a way to preserve our energy and well-being so that we can continue to give our best to others.

Reframe: “By setting this boundary, I am respecting my needs and showing up as my best self for others.”

Reframe Fear of Disappointment:

We fear that saying “no” will disappoint others, but healthy relationships are built on mutual respect. Setting boundaries helps establish clear expectations and fosters more authentic connections.

Reframe: “It’s okay to disappoint someone occasionally. My well-being matters too, and this will ultimately make our relationship stronger.”

Reframe Anxiety or Nervousness:

Anxiety can arise from the fear of conflict or misunderstanding. However, setting boundaries is an essential skill, and the more we practice, the easier it becomes.

Reframe: “It’s normal to feel uneasy when setting a boundary, but I know it’s necessary for my own well-being. Over time, it will become easier.”

It's ok to need more time.

Strategies for Setting Boundaries

Reframe Boundaries as Self-Care:

Boundaries are about nurturing yourself, not pushing others away. By saying “no” when needed, you’re ensuring you can show up more effectively for others later.

Practice Assertiveness, Not Aggression:

Use “I” statements to express your boundaries clearly and respectfully.

Example: “I’m not available this weekend. Let’s plan for another time.”

Use Firm but Friendly Language:

Be direct but kind. You don’t need to over-apologise for setting a boundary.

Example: “I can’t take on that extra task at the moment, but thank you for thinking of me.”

Offer Alternatives When Possible:

If the situation allows, offer a solution that works for both of you.

Example: “I can’t help with this right now, but I’ll be free on Thursday afternoon if you want to talk then.”

Say No When It’s Always a No for You:

Sometimes, it’s not about timing or energy, it’s just something you don’t want to do. It’s okay to set that clear boundary.

Example: “That’s not something I’m comfortable with, so I’ll have to say no.”

Repeat as Necessary:

If someone pushes back, calmly restate your boundary. You don’t need to justify yourself endlessly.

Nevertheless if they keep asking it sounds like they didn't get the message so make sure you have told them why if its applicable (e.g. if someone keeps asking you out on a date and you have a partner or aren't interested, just tell them otherwise they'll think you are saying no because you have other plans).

Setting Boundaries in Different Contexts

Personal Example (Friend): Situation: A friend asks to hang out when you’ve had a long, exhausting week. Boundary Setting: “I really appreciate the invitation, but I’m feeling drained this weekend. Let’s plan something for next week when I have more energy.”
Family Example: Situation: A family member calls or messages, asking you to visit them when you’ve planned personal downtime or need to rest. Boundary Setting: “I’d love to visit, but I’ve set aside some time for myself today to recharge. How about we plan for another day when I can give you my full attention?”
Boundary-Setting at work:

Here’s a role-play script that demonstrates how boundary-setting works in a workplace situation.

Scenario: A colleague (Person A) asks you to take on an additional task outside of your normal hours. You (Person B) have a busy schedule and need personal time.

Person A (Colleague):

“Hey, I know it’s after work hours, but I could really use your help with this presentation. Could you stay late and assist me?”

Person B (You):

“I understand that the presentation is important, and I’d like to help, but I’ve already planned some personal time for the evening. I need to recharge so I can give my best at work tomorrow.”

Person A (Colleague):

“I get it, but this is really urgent. Can you just help for an hour?”

Person B (You):

“I completely understand the urgency, but I can’t extend myself tonight. How about we schedule time tomorrow during office hours? I’ll be ready to dive in then.”

Person A (Colleague):

“Alright, I’ll work on it for now. Thanks for being honest about your limits.”

Person B (You):

“Of course! I know it’s important, and I want to give you my full attention when I’m back at work.”

What not to do:

1) Reply but don't mention the invite or request (quiet nos are confusing and frustrating).

2) Agree to something you don't really want to do to keep the peace or avoid awkwardness or conflict.

3) Avoid answering the person (AKA ghost them).

Reflect:

How do I typically communicate my boundaries? Do I express them clearly or do I tend to apologise, explain too much, or over-justify?
When was the last time I struggled to set a boundary? What was the situation? Think about a recent situation where you felt uncomfortable or resisted setting a boundary. What made it difficult?
How did I feel when I didn’t set the boundary? Did you feel overwhelmed, resentful, anxious, or guilty? Understanding your emotional response can help you identify why it’s hard to say “no.”
What personal values or beliefs influence my difficulty with boundaries? Do you feel a sense of duty or guilt because of cultural or familial expectations? Reflect on how your values shape your approach to boundaries.
What small step can I take today to set a healthy boundary? Identify one situation where you can practice setting a small boundary. How can you be clear and assertive, without guilt, to create a healthier balance for yourself?