The Pitfall of External Validation: How to Break Free and Thrive
n an age of social media likes and instant feedback, the need for external validation is creeping into every corner of life, including the workplace. While recognition from managers and peers can boost morale and foster a healthy environment, relying too much on external approval can be psychologically harmful. It stifles growth, erodes confidence, and creates a dependency that’s hard to shake off.
So how do we distinguish between healthy recognition and the toxic pursuit of validation? More importantly, how do we curb the latter while maintaining motivation and self-assurance?
Why the Need for External Validation Is Harmful
1. Loss of Self-Worth
When someone ties their self-esteem entirely to external validation, they struggle to maintain confidence without constant approval.
Example: Maria is a skilled graphic designer, but she constantly seeks reassurance about her designs. If her manager doesn’t explicitly praise her work, she starts doubting her abilities, even when the designs meet or exceed expectations. Over time, her self-doubt impacts her creativity and enthusiasm for her work.
2. Fear of Failure
A strong need for validation can lead to risk aversion, as people avoid trying new things for fear of making mistakes or receiving criticism.
Example: Ahmed, a marketing associate, has an idea for a bold social media campaign but hesitates to pitch it in meetings. He worries that if the idea isn’t well-received, it will damage his reputation. Instead, he sticks to safe, conventional ideas that gain approval but fail to move the needle for the company’s growth.
3. Workplace Inefficiency
Employees overly focused on pleasing others may prioritise appearance over substance, which can lead to wasted time and reduced productivity.
Example: Liam, a junior analyst, spends hours adding unnecessary flair to his report, hoping to impress his manager. While the visuals look stunning, the data analysis itself lacks depth. His team then has to rework the report to focus on actionable insights, delaying decision-making and creating unnecessary stress.
General Workplace Example: The Productivity Trap
Imagine an employee, Sarah, who is preparing a client pitch. Instead of focusing on the content and potential solutions for the client’s needs, she spends the majority of her time on minor aesthetic details, like perfecting fonts and slide transitions. While she receives compliments on how polished the presentation looks, the client ultimately chooses another company because the content lacked depth and innovation.
By recognising how external validation can create these challenges, organisations and individuals can shift focus to fostering intrinsic motivation and a results-driven mindset.
Breaking the Cycle: Fostering Internal Validation
Overcoming the need for external validation starts with building self-awareness and fostering internal motivation. Here are some strategies to help:
1. Redefine Success
Focus on personal growth and learning instead of external metrics. Success isn’t about applause; it’s about the skills you’ve gained and the obstacles you’ve overcome.
Example: Instead of waiting for feedback on a project, reflect on what you learned during its execution. Did you improve a skill or discover a new approach? Celebrate that as your achievement.
Redefining Success Through Reflection
Scenario: Jessica just finished leading her first team project. Although the project met its goals, she’s disappointed because her manager hasn’t commented on her performance.
Before Redefining Success
Jessica spends days anxiously waiting for her manager to praise her efforts. She begins questioning whether she did a good job and feels disheartened when no recognition comes.
After Redefining Success:
Jessica takes a step back and reflects on her own growth during the project. She realises that:
She successfully managed a team for the first time, coordinating schedules and balancing workloads.
She improved her ability to delegate tasks and trust her team members.
She discovered new techniques for creating detailed project timelines, which made the process smoother.
Instead of dwelling on external feedback, Jessica writes these reflections in a journal and sets a personal goal to refine her delegation skills further in the next project. She feels a sense of pride in her accomplishments and views the project as a success, regardless of external validation.
Key Takeaway:
By focusing on growth and learning, Jessica shifts her mindset to value her development over others’ recognition. This not only builds her confidence but also fosters intrinsic motivation to improve.
2. Set Personal Goals
When your benchmarks come from within, they’re less likely to be influenced by others’ opinions.
In practice: You might set a goal to improve efficiency in project delivery by 10%, for their own sense of achievement, not to please your bosses or out of competetiveness with your teammates.
Example: Setting Personal Goals for Growth
Scenario: David works as a software developer in a team that values speed and innovation. While his colleagues often focus on impressing the team lead with flashy ideas, David decides to focus on his personal development.
Personal Goal:
David sets a goal to improve his coding efficiency by 10% over the next three months, aiming to reduce bugs in his work and streamline his development process.
Implementation:
David tracks the time he spends on each coding task and identifies patterns in where he struggles.
He invests time in learning shortcuts and best practices in coding, not to impress his manager but because he knows these skills will make his work smoother and more rewarding.
To measure his progress, David compares the number of bugs and revisions in his projects before and after applying his new techniques.
Outcome:
David achieves his goal, delivering his next project ahead of schedule and with significantly fewer errors. His manager notices the improvement and gives positive feedback, but more importantly, David feels accomplished because he met his own benchmark.
Key Takeaway:
By focusing on his personal goal, David’s motivation comes from his desire to grow rather than external competition or approval. This approach not only reduces stress but also fosters sustainable, long-term development.
3. Learn to Self-Acknowledge
Get into the habit of recognising your own accomplishments, big or small.
Workplace tip: Keep a journal where you jot down daily wins—whether it’s solving a challenging problem or staying calm in a heated discussion.
Example: Learning to Self-Acknowledge Through Daily Wins
Scenario: Emily works as a project manager and is always focused on meeting deadlines and managing her team’s tasks. She often doesn’t take the time to reflect on her own accomplishments and relies heavily on others for validation.
New Practice:
Emily decides to start keeping a journal where she records her daily wins—no matter how small—at the end of each workday.
Example of Daily Wins:
“Today, I helped resolve a team conflict calmly and professionally, which allowed us to move forward with our project without delays.”
“I managed to review and approve all the budget reports on time, preventing any delays in our financial department.”
“I remained composed during the client call, even when they expressed frustration, which helped maintain a positive relationship.”
At the end of the week, Emily looks over her journal and is surprised at the number of achievements she has documented, all of which demonstrate her growth and ability to manage her responsibilities effectively.
Outcome:
Emily begins to feel more confident in her work and less dependent on external praise. She realises that she has been contributing meaningfully to the team and her organisation, even though her accomplishments aren’t always acknowledged by others.
Key Takeaway:
By acknowledging her own achievements in writing, Emily learns to validate herself and celebrate her progress, reducing the need for constant external recognition. This practice not only boosts her self-esteem but also encourages a positive, growth-oriented mindset.
What Managers Can Do
While managing external validation is a personal responsibility, leaders can create an environment where employees feel supported without becoming dependent on approval.
1. Focus on Specific and Impactful Feedback
Instead of generic praise like “good job,” provide detailed, constructive feedback that highlights the value of their work. This encourages employees to see the real impact of their efforts, helping them internalise their accomplishments.
Acknowledge the Effort and Process, Not Just the Outcome
When feedback focuses solely on results, employees may feel their effort goes unnoticed if outcomes aren’t perfect. Recognising the process shows them that their approach and hard work matter.
Example: Instead of saying, “Great presentation,” try:
“I noticed how thoroughly you researched the competitor landscape for this presentation. Your insights about market trends were particularly valuable, and they helped clarify our strategic direction.”
This reinforces that preparation and thoughtfulness are integral to success, not just the final product.
Link Feedback to Tangible Outcomes
When employees see how their work directly contributes to larger goals, it helps them recognise their impact and fosters intrinsic motivation.
Example: Instead of saying, “Good analysis,” say:
“Your detailed breakdown of customer demographics directly influenced our decision to target a new age group in the next campaign. This shift is likely to increase engagement and revenue.”
By showing the connection between their work and its results, you encourage them to take pride in their contributions.
Highlight Unique Strengths
Pointing out what makes an employee’s work stand out helps them understand their value to the team and builds self-confidence.
Example: “Your ability to simplify complex data into digestible visuals is impressive. The way you presented that chart made it easier for everyone to grasp the key points quickly.”
This kind of feedback reinforces skills employees might take for granted or not recognise as strengths.
How Specific and Impactful Feedback Reduces Validation-Seeking Behaviour
1. Builds Self-Reflection: Employees begin to recognise their own efforts and progress, reducing the need for external reassurance.
2. Encourages Ownership: By linking their work to outcomes, employees feel a sense of responsibility and pride in their contributions.
3. Fosters Confidence: Highlighting unique strengths helps employees trust their abilities and feel secure in their roles.
By delivering thoughtful, detailed feedback, managers not only boost performance but also cultivate self-reliance, creating a workplace where employees feel empowered to grow without constantly seeking approval.
2. Promote Autonomy
Scenario: A manager is working with a team member, Alex, who is preparing a marketing campaign.
Before Promoting Autonomy:
The manager reviews every detail of Alex’s plan, from the colour scheme to the wording, and gives explicit instructions on what to do. Alex feels micromanaged and constantly seeks approval before making any decision, worried about getting it wrong.
After Promoting Autonomy:
The manager says:
“Alex, I trust your expertise on this campaign. You know the audience well, and your creative ideas have been spot-on in the past. Why don’t you take the lead and make the final decisions on the messaging and visuals? Once you’re ready, let’s review together to ensure it aligns with our broader strategy.”
Result:
Alex feels empowered to make choices without needing constant reassurance. Knowing they have the manager’s trust builds confidence, reduces reliance on validation, and fosters ownership of their work.
3. Normalise Failure
Create a culture where mistakes are seen as learning opportunities. When employees fear failure less, they’ll seek approval less.
Workplace idea: Share stories of projects that didn’t go as planned and what was learned. This sets a precedent for self-compassion and growth.
Scenario: A team recently launched a new product feature that failed to meet customer expectations, leading to low adoption rates and negative feedback.
Before Normalising Failure:
The manager avoids discussing the project publicly, focusing only on the team’s mistakes in private. Team members feel ashamed and reluctant to experiment in the future, fearing judgment.
After Normalising Failure:
In a team meeting, the manager openly addresses the situation:
“Let’s talk about the feature launch. While the results weren’t what we hoped for, it’s important to recognise the effort everyone put into this. We learned that customers prefer simpler solutions, and we now understand the importance of testing new features on smaller user groups first. These insights will make our next launch much stronger. Mistakes like this are part of innovation, and I appreciate the risks you took to bring something new to the table.”
Result:
They’re more willing to take risks and less dependent on constant approval, knowing that learning is valued over perfection.
The manager then shares their own experience:
“When I first started in product development, I led a project that completely missed the mark with users because we assumed too much about what they needed. It was a tough moment, but it taught me the value of user feedback at every stage. That failure helped shape the way I work today.”
Result:
The team feels supported and understands that failure isn’t a career-ending event but a valuable step in growth. Hearing the manager’s vulnerability helps them see mistakes as a shared human experience rather than something to fear. They’re more willing to take risks and less dependent on constant approval, knowing that learning is valued over perfection.
Seeking External Validation and the Risk of Narcissism
Constantly seeking external validation can lead to an unhealthy attachment to others’ approval, which, over time, can increase the risk of developing narcissistic traits. Narcissism is often characterised by a need for excessive admiration, a lack of empathy, and an inflated sense of self-importance. While external validation in moderation can be a source of motivation, relying on it too heavily for self-worth can cause individuals to become overly focused on how others perceive them.
Example:
Take an employee who continually seeks praise for their accomplishments but struggles when recognition is not forthcoming. This reliance on praise can create an unstable sense of self, as their self-esteem becomes contingent on others’ reactions. Over time, they might start to demand more attention and validation, expecting it to fuel their sense of worth. This cycle can contribute to narcissistic behaviours, as they develop an inflated sense of entitlement to admiration and attention.
Covert Narcissism:
In some cases, this reliance on external validation may manifest as covert narcissism, where individuals display self-centeredness and a desire for admiration in less obvious, passive-aggressive ways. They may appear shy or humble on the surface but feel deeply entitled to special treatment and recognition, often harbouring resentment when it’s not given.
Example:
Imagine a team member who often downplays their achievements, acting modest about their contributions, but subtly drops hints or expects acknowledgment from others. They might say things like, “I don’t want to brag, but I did spend a lot of extra hours on this project,” while waiting for their manager or colleagues to praise their effort. When recognition isn’t given, they might express passive resentment, perhaps making sarcastic comments like, “I guess my hard work isn’t as important as I thought.” While they avoid overt displays of narcissism, their need for validation and special recognition remains clear.
Letting Go of the Validation Trap
Breaking free from the need for constant validation isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. When you stop seeking approval, you start unlocking your true potential. You gain clarity, confidence, and resilience.
By shifting focus inward, redefining what success means, and creating a workplace culture that values intrinsic motivation, we can combat the pitfalls of external validation. The journey may be challenging, but the freedom that comes from self-assurance is worth every step.
What steps can you take today to move toward internal validation? The answer lies within.
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Poll Question:
Which of the following strategies would help you reduce the need for external validation at work?
Setting personal goals and measuring progress independently
Learning to self-acknowledge and celebrate small wins
Focusing on personal growth rather than seeking approval
Creating a supportive environment where mistakes are seen as learning opportunities
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